Another BIG update...

Friday, March 20, 2009

my gawd i'm so happy. All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you   Because you're beautiful You're so frickin' beautiful You took all my memories And all I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you Don't tell me you love me If you don't really love me Because you can still kiss me I need you to kiss me Because you're beautiful You're so frickin' beautiful You took all my memories And all I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you I love you in the daytime I love you in the night time too I love you in the moonlight I love you in the sunshine too Because there is life in this love  and love in this life There is life in this love and love in this life And all I want is you michael franti is so fucking amazing. i'm road tripping to cali this summer. and going to a bitchin' music fest and seeing michael franti perform and camping. fuck fucking yes. <3 seriously... if i get to go to harmony festival i'm pretty sure i'll cream myself. i'd be soo excited.

californai dreamz also:: i can't believe it's friday; i'm having my oh shit this break is going to end and i haven't gotten anything done. i love listening to kate nash a lot. i want to steal my niece and take her back to school with me. like for realsies. i don't even care about the responsibility, i just want her cute face in my life ALL the time. ((hint: i'm not ready for kids b/c i don't care about the responsibility, this is ok, i shouldn't be ready yet)) dancin' at discos, eating cheese on toast, yeah you make me merry, make me very very merry, but you obviously didn't want to stick around. hahaha The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You’re a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it’s likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You’ve had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there’ll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you’re especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who’ll love you back with equal fire, and someone you’ve grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you’re drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

a looong 24 hours or so... this is a long story that you don't neccesarily have to read:: (but might be interesting) eric picked me up at around 3 to go and do a bar-b-que at his house for the GORGEOUS weather for St. Patty's day. That was smooth and normal. Eric's mom is super sweet and I love her. His brothers are precious. The bbq boca burgers were great. Then we dropped nick off at like 7:30 and were going to go to Chicago. But instead; we called Kyle and went to Valparaiso U.  (mind you i didn't know Nick or Kyle before this day). The ride there was smooth, i like riding in the benz. I like it a lot. We met up w/ kyle at like 9:30, we toured the campus for a long time, till after midnight for sure, and then we did some driving, because we still had some of that diesel in the tank that we wanted to get rid of. We learned all about round-a-bouts. That was fun. Then... Kyle stalled it. And that's where things started getting effed up. We ran out of gas. And killed the battery trying to start it anyway. (or something along those lines is what we thought) So we spent a long time making trips to gas stations, paying too much for gas cans, getting diesel, filling it up, waiting, thinking, getting progressively more frustrated, then we went to walmart and got something to try and fix the sparks that were coming from the starter (which we had finally noticed). We waited for liquid tape goo to dry, and they fell asleep, it was at least 2 by now. Then we tried to start it again, failed, and decided to sleep in the car. Well. Eric decided to sleep in the car, i stayed so he didn't do anything stupid, like punch a fence, or get a concussion or anything (from hitting his head on the trunk earlier). Soooo. at like 4 i tried sleeping. It didn't go so well. and then it was freezing. And then at like 9 am we went to the gas station for coffee and a pee. Then we called a tow guy, who tried to jump us, which didn't work. And instead towed us to Tom's Valpo Auto Repair. They said they'd "assess" it. We went to a park. Then to Wendy's. I let him read things I had written in the notebook i got at WalMart. I worked on being a playwright. I called Elizabeth. Then i had a mini-mental breakdown / panic attack. That was fun. Then i decided that no food and no sleep was a combination for a panic attack; so i made Eric walk w/ me to the grocery store and get food. I got an apple, power bar, peanut M&Ms, and gum. We went back to the park. Which was fun. He read. Then we went to autozone which was BORING. and i sat outside for awhile and some douche yelled "unattractive" out his car window which didn't help my mood or anything. Kyle showed back up from his classes, we went to Tom's and we got the car. Then we got gas and drove home. And I realized that whatever will be will be, and right now, US won't be. And that's fine. If it's meant to happen, it will, in time. Best shower of my life. I'm glad i got a notebook and started writing. I'm glad. annnd tired. silly adventures. i could do without 'em for a little while. i'm reinstituting healthy choices(ish). because i want to be healthy. and... i want what i want. and for right now; that's ok. :)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I am so happy right now. It's wonderful.   i'm glad spring is here. and i'm glad that i know that i am who i want to be; and it's all based on the decisions that i make. my life IS a choose your own adventure novel. AND can i just note that it is fucking gorgeous out again today. I LOVE the weather. happy times. XxEDITxX anxious. just a teensy bit. mostly REALLY fucking excited. BECAUSE: i was sitting here, and there was this  gorgeous picture. And i was like a) shoulders are sexy. and b) i want hair like hers. So i called linds and asked her if she'd cut my bangs when we got back from break, and then i was thinking about it, and i need to dye my hair b/c this red is fading out into the pink that's underneath and it's kind of bizarre and i'm getting roots really bad. and i was like... hmmm... dark dark brown. and i texted a bunch of people and asked their opinions and most of them are like yeah! and ashley is like "so... natural?" and i was like... OH MY GOD i'm ready to go back to my natural color, or at least something really close. That's like... a HUGE thing for me b/c of the last year. I've dyed my hair ten times since June. I've tried on different personalities and different hair colors like crazy. And now... i'm going to dye it close to my natural color and let it grow out. Because... i'm ready to be me. and that's whoever i chose to be. eeek.

Monday, March 16, 2009

woodchip. woodchips. i love my life. i love 70 degree days and painting murals in garages and playing in sand boxes with larvae. i love the children naked and running around and screaming when i come home. i love eating nothing but a bowl of cocoa puffs since 9 last night. i love making him smile, making him laugh. i love sunshine on my face during long drives through the suburbs and city. i love hollywood undead. i love stars. i love when he suggests that i re-write my autobiography from jr. year. i love my life. :)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

	these are things i need to remember

i need a detox. that's what happened. my life got toxic. i was toxic. and i need a detox. and spring break with the kids is just that. from inferior_c0mplex's xanga site:: [...] for awhile, i wanted to be heartless. to quit caring. but my heart is my heart and it goes where i go and it feels what i feel and it's been there from the beginning and i'm not going to let it go anywhere because it is mine and it is all i have left and i want it there and i need it intact and i still want to share it because it has a lot of love to give and i want it to be able to give it and not rot away like everyone else's has because my heart does not deserve that because it didn't do any of this to me. it's held on, so why should i squash it? [...] My mom said this won't be the last time. Maybe the first, but not the last. And she told me I'm strong and that I'll grow and she's excited to meet the woman I become. And that made me happy. I'm ready to meet that woman too. I'm ready to grow her, and I'm ready to make her succeed. I'm ready to watch her triumphs and her failures and stick with her the entire way. Because that woman is me y'know, and I need to love her and take care of her. Because nobody else will. I'm all I've got. So why should I sit and think about trying to take me away from myself? That's no good. I need me. The few friends I have need me. And by god, I won't let anything happen to me. Yes! I'm ready too. I'm becoming the woman I am. and I may not be her all the way yet. and God knows that who i was two years ago wouldn't be her either. And why stop growing? Does a tree stop it's growing once it blooms? No. It thrives and blooms again EVERY year. There's a cycle to it. Everyone always says that you never stop learning; why did I for some reason think that I could? Because I need something to hold on to. Something to grasp and keep me centered and whole. And that is ROOTS. ahhhh. My niece is awake at 1am chattering away in the kids' room. She is perfect. my roots are my constant. my past. where i've been and where i come from and the things i've seen and the stories i've told and the life i've lived. My life is constant. It's always changing and i never know what will happen ten minutes from now; but i know what has happened. and not that i need to cling to the past in anyway. its about holding on to it to know it, and also letting the new growth develop in me. This is one of the best thought revelations i've had in a while. I'm going to go to bed. And dream of the woman I'm becoming because of the choices i've made and the life i live. And think about who I maybe want that woman to be someday. But... right now: i am who i am. That is a constant. Whether I am always aware of it or not. Love. p.s. i quit facebook too (kind of) because it got lame; so expect a lot more social - like - blogging status from me. also b/c it's spring break and i'm better at blogging when i have the time. p.p.s i'm writing an airport play. I think it's really going to be something.

Friday, March 13, 2009 my bloggin has become very lame. ever since the sickness.... hardly any pictures, stupid mindless chatter, and i've barely been commenting at all. gah. i don't know how / when i'm getting picked up from the train tomorrow. AT all. that's no good. i have a lot to do before then. and over spring break in general. my life makes very little sense. i don't recognize it. and i want to figure shit out but i can't. to-do list: *clean (my room, the living room) *pack (laptop, school work, some clothes, all in orange suitcase and 1 purse) *train 8:20 *get a ride from train to my brother's apartment somehow... =/ *write christ fems paper *write christ fems journal *comp sci paper *comp sci mid term project *ATH read plays (fuckkk) *playwriting - airport play? i am grumpy. my roomate says it's ridiculously hot in here; grrrr Elizabeth was here like all evening and she was just hanging out with lindsay and i was too tired to make an effort... but i would have really liked it if she had, knowing that i had an existential crisis last night, made an effort to make me feel better. she wasn't even cuddly when we were watching that movie together. i am grumpy and tired and probably making something out of nothing; but i bet she has a crush on lindsay. just saying. i think i need to go to bed. I hate how i feel right now.

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