another big(ish) update of sorts pt 1 of 2

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

life. today has been a day of ridiculous seeming ups and downs. and it's only early afternoon! last night i was drunk for sure. i stayed out until 2:30, up until 3:30, and then couldn't sleep for all the coughing I was doing. I did roll my ass out of bed for my 8:30 class; in which my professor GRACIOUSLY gave me an extension on our midterm project (so i can turn it in AFTER spring break!). Came home. Napped for an hour... or two. Thus sleeping through my 11 o'clock class. FUCK. But:: before falling asleep I was positively giddy. I was outrageously happy. I'm finally starting to feel better, I might not fail comp sci. I had a great time last night. I love my sisters and friends. Spring break will be relaxing and fun (though I have a lot of work to do during it).  Then--- i had to go do fittings for the cabaret project. Gag. I am positively sick of this project. It's a ridiculous venture. I don't know why I agreed to do this before knowing what I was getting myself into. I am not a designer (not yet anyway) and have no idea what I'm doing. This is not going in my portfolio. BUT this is like the ONE downside / project i have to do right now that i'm unhappy about, and it'll be over next-next friday AT WHICH POINT:: I will be having a fucking fantastic belated birthday bash with the sorority // other people i invite. EXCITED. so overall life = good. and I need to make a fatty to-do list that needs to get done. Oh... and i kind of still have a 5 page paper due for Christian Fems that was due... oh... i don't know a week and a half ago. Whoops. Oh, and our journals are supposed to be due tomorrow. I think I might skip; catch up over break, and turn everything in when we get back. we'll see how i feel tomorrow. i have a problem with skipping classes these days. it's just SO easy to think... well, we're not doing anything TOO important today... let's work on that for the future. xxEDITxx i got a maximum of 62% on my comp sci midterm that i didn't know we had but walked in to take today. maximum. i left 19 points out of 50 blank b/c i had no fucking clue b/c i've been sick for 2 weeks and haven't been there. fuck. my. life. i almost had a freak out moment right before work today. like.... my life is in this weird place right now. not neccessarily spiraling downward like i thought it was before, but more like a spinning top that is perpetually falling over. It spins for awhile and it's crazy and i'm either too distracted by being like "look! it's spinning! how cool!" and starring at the pretty colors or i'm not paying attention, and then it falls. and tumbles. and then i'm here. a spinning top left unattended. like a dejected dradle.  my room mate just proudly proclaimed "it's snowing more!" with her cheerful excited self. I want to punch her in the face.  ~~~~~~OH MY OH MY GOD~~~~~~EDIT~~~~~~FOR THE LAST TIME AT 5:20AM~~~~~~ I don't know how i'm functioning currently. except that:: a) i don't know anything and b) and now i'm crazy. but i might've been crazy before. i don't know. i'm just.... i don't know ANYthing. when my mom was 20 she was PREGGERS with my brother. I used to joke about how I would be 20 and not preggers, and that I accomplished something more than her because of it. but i wasn't 20 yet. Now i am. And i'm not preggers. and i've never had sex. and no one has 'swept me off my feet' like my dad did my mom. But i'm in college. failing comp sci, but in college. (so was she before she left to be a mom; in college that is) but not in a sorority. staying out until 4:30am. failing comp sci, being ridiculous. and she says i'm brilliant sometimes. and i wonder, am i the best of her and the worst of him? I don't have his temper that's for sure. but... i mean... i just DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING. and no one does. and no one can tell me what to do and what's right, and i'm indecisive as fuck and i just can't make any more decisions and life is happening and i'm not deciding; other people are and no one is; and it keeps fucking happening and that is the epitomy of not having control. What the fuck am i doing? I don't know who or what is right anymore. I don't know ANYTHING at all. I'm clueless.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

you can breathe. you can breathe now. My tear soaked bandana hangs around my neck as I tentatively knock on a locked bathroom door. I ask her to let me in and as I enter and see her coat hanging half off her body and her sleeve pulled up, I don't automatically think what I should be able to guess, but don't find out until later. I hold her heaving body as she leans her forehead against the door. She gasps for air between angry sobs and her lips contort into a shape only recognizable as distress and agony. I hold her and rub her back. "It's okay to be angry" I say, but there just aren't words for this kind of moment. I stare at a single freckle on her right shoulder, study the way her soft brown hair falls across. I am amazed by her beauty even in a crisis-like moment as this. I look so closely at her tan and pink skin I can see god's plan etched into it. The lines faint and shallow, each blemish and freckle a part of the workings. I'll wonder later if the wounds she's inflicted on her body will turn to scars and become part of this diagram of the plan I see on her body. I know that they will be a part of the plan, even if they're not documented the same way as everything else. Pledge ends tonight. i'm a teensy bit nervous for 'hell night'. but... i know it won't last more than four hours... I'm stoked. I'm in a sorority. That's a funny sentence. But I kind of like it :) i'm in a much better disposition then I was a week ago. MUCH better. and that's goooood. I was worried about myself for a teensy bit. My hair isn't pink anymore. Those roots were a bitch to maintain / not get frustrated with not maintaining. this cough is also a bitch. I hate it. i couldn't fall asleep until after 5:30 this morning b/c i was coughing so much. mother fucker. i enjoy Jack's Mannequin. My friend gave me a bunch of music yesterday, and this is some of it, and I like it. I also enjoy Dan Craig; he's folk-like and i like it. <3

Thursday, February 26, 2009

=/ my mom is 'concerned about the decidedly downward turn' of my fb status messages since i went on medications. yeah... well... it's a shitty week. i don't want to explain it all to you. i don't want to be jealous of one of my best friends. i don't want me to be an issue anymore. when did this happen???? when did i become this... fucked up version of myself.? when did i turn into someone who can't function? I JUST WANT TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND. i smell like cigarettes... i want to rest. to sleep. to not feel this way anymore.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

i thought that i was through this. i thought that i was done with this stupid depression thing. i took the lexapro and felt better and was supposed to keep feeling better. it's not like i stopped taking it or anything. fuck. i feel lost. i am swimming through deep dark murky waters and i don't understand. i am too jealous to be best friends with her. i am jealous and bitter and angsty and angry and don't give a fuck about anything. my comp sci professor is worried about my mental health. like i want to talk to my computer science professor about what's going on with me right now. he is willing to give me an extension on our project if i have my counsellor email him. when did i become someone who needs her counsellor to email a professor? i don't even know how to begin writing such an email to rick. wtf i want sleep. lots and lots of sleep. i want to not have any responsibilities of any sort. i want to not be sick.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

	1/2 hour to decide. what i want to do tonight. what i want to do forever. whether i really do want to join a stupid sorority or not. the thing is... like... AGRGH. everyone who's not in it says don't, and everyone who is in it says do. and... i can't make a fucking decision for myself. fuck. i just want to sit. and cry. and cry. and cry. and cry.
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Monday, February 23, 2009

calling to make a counselling centre appointment is hard. i don't know why... but there's something about saying those words "can I make an appointment" that clench up in my throat every time, that make my toes dance and wiggle with nervous energy and stress. maybe i'm worried that they'll say no, that I can't make an appointment and i can't get help. that i don't deserve it b/c i'm far less fucked up then some other people. i am sick of everything. i don't give a fuck any more. i want to check in to some clean white mental hospital where i can live in routine and solitude. where nothing but my own thoughts can be dealt with. where i can rest and relax and not have to go through all the motions of all this shit that i'm having to do each day. i want to quit everything that isn't creative expression.

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wishes i wish that they weren't having the painful conversation that they're having right now in the next room. i wish that no one had to get hurt in the ways that they do. in the ways that i've been. i wish our hearts didn't have to handle so much. i wish that our scars didn't have to teach us; that we could learn from bruises. i wish that i didn't hurt. i wish that i took the time out of the day for myself so that i didn't have weekends like this. i wish that there was enough time in the day to do that. i wish that i still knew my reasons for doing this. i wish there was a way to figure everything out that takes less time. the snowflakes look like glitter falling as they reflect the light that shines and touch the hard snow covered ground. i hope i never hurt someone like i've seen others do. i think that if someone loved me then i'd love them back and try hard not to hurt them. but the thing is no one ever fucking does. and i'm saddened by that; because i've reached a point in my life where i think someone should have by now. i just... i'm so sure that i'm not one of those girls who will never be loved. i'm so sure that i'm more than that. and yet... when i evaluate the situation... i am. FUCK MY DEPRESSION. fuck it for being stealthy under the stress of the first week of pledge, and for laying beneath the surface that whole time, and for me being too distracted to realize it was there, waiting for it's prey to acknowledge it's existence again. fast and strong the tiger growls and waits hiding in the deep green brush breath in sync with it's prey hiding out while the prey dashes through running from one tree to the next searching for clues memorizing the tree bark patterns listening to monkeys screech from treetops the tiger waits waits until the moment of pause the prey stops running in it's brief stillness the tiger leaps seeming to come out of nowhere and the prey can't believe that it forgot to keep looking for the tiger hiding in the deep green brush fast and strong they are having a big relationship talk; and i am writing STUPID metaphorical poetry about tigers. i just purged myself of facebook. i don't want it any more. We'll see. I figure; if you want to be my friend you can contact me in a real way. Like... by telephone at least. Even emails are better than facebook. I want someone to read my stupid tiger poem. I want to understand why this happened. Was it the pause? Or was it him? I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I GOT TOO DISTRACTED TO KEEP ME IN CHECK. fuck. I don't know if I want to do this whole thing any more. I'm sick of people being mean to me. I'm sick of crying. of seeing people I love cry. Of not knowing what's going on inside my head. I'm sick of needing to go back. I'm sick of not knowing what causes THIS. I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Sick of it. I want Claire to come out of that room right now. I want to hold her; because I know she'll be needing some holding right about now. [i am reading Claire's blog now, i enjoy getting to know her some through this] they're coming out of that room. and there was definitely some crying; lindsay is blowing her nose. i hope that they're both all right. =/ XXeditXX claire enjoys getting to know me; and i appreciate that. she says everytime she hangs out with me she likes being with me more. i was just reading a poem about my house when i was a kid... and it's fucking amazing the blinders we have. the way we see things exactly how we want to. they way that poem makes my house sound... as if it's recalled with fond memories, which of course it is. because you don't realize what the fuck is really going on b/c of the lens you look through everything with. i hate the feeling of tears behind my eyes. i hate the look of sadness on her face. i hate that no one loves me. i hate that that's a problem for me. i hate that he walks into my living room and i realize that nothing has changed. that i went to the crest of some hill, and looked out over and felt so sure, and then all of a sudden i was in a valley again, and it wasn't quite the same valley but i had no idea how i got there. no idea. why am i filled with so much hate? WHY HAVE I STILL NOT MADE PROGRESS, have i only distracted myself for some amount of time? Remember a few weeks ago when I was happy?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

my brain is swimming in thoughts. i feel as though i am floating in the middle of a vast ocean and i can't even tell which way i should be trying to go towards home. i am lost amid all these thoughts and emotions that i haven't had the time to process. i have in the last week completely neglected my friends, my writing, and myself. I haven't had the time to shower, none-the-less take an all consuming, thought numbing, body piercing hot, therapeutic shower. I haven't had the time to write in my blog but once in the last week, and not in my real journal at all. I am drowning as I try to gasp for air after coming up for breath after holding myself underwater for so long. I thought I would cry tonight, I just didn't realize what exactly it would be that would make me break down. The briefest mention of California. A letter from my room-mate; another person who I have neglected in the past week. And all of these emotions coming to surface when i barely have the room to breath because he is here. And he is hurt by her. and i am hurt by him, but not nearly as deep a wound. and all i need to do is to write. to get it all out. and i can't. because even now i think that it would likely be much better for me to sleep. but tomorrow there is STILL too much to do. I DON'T WANT

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Another BIG update...

Friday, March 20, 2009

my gawd i'm so happy. All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you   Because you're beautiful You're so frickin' beautiful You took all my memories And all I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you Don't tell me you love me If you don't really love me Because you can still kiss me I need you to kiss me Because you're beautiful You're so frickin' beautiful You took all my memories And all I want is you All I want is you All I want is you All I want is you I love you in the daytime I love you in the night time too I love you in the moonlight I love you in the sunshine too Because there is life in this love  and love in this life There is life in this love and love in this life And all I want is you michael franti is so fucking amazing. i'm road tripping to cali this summer. and going to a bitchin' music fest and seeing michael franti perform and camping. fuck fucking yes. <3 seriously... if i get to go to harmony festival i'm pretty sure i'll cream myself. i'd be soo excited.

californai dreamz also:: i can't believe it's friday; i'm having my oh shit this break is going to end and i haven't gotten anything done. i love listening to kate nash a lot. i want to steal my niece and take her back to school with me. like for realsies. i don't even care about the responsibility, i just want her cute face in my life ALL the time. ((hint: i'm not ready for kids b/c i don't care about the responsibility, this is ok, i shouldn't be ready yet)) dancin' at discos, eating cheese on toast, yeah you make me merry, make me very very merry, but you obviously didn't want to stick around. hahaha The Window Shopper Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD) Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper. You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You’re a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it’s likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You’ve had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there’ll be much more to come. Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you’re especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns. Your ideal match is someone who’ll love you back with equal fire, and someone you’ve grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you’re drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

a looong 24 hours or so... this is a long story that you don't neccesarily have to read:: (but might be interesting) eric picked me up at around 3 to go and do a bar-b-que at his house for the GORGEOUS weather for St. Patty's day. That was smooth and normal. Eric's mom is super sweet and I love her. His brothers are precious. The bbq boca burgers were great. Then we dropped nick off at like 7:30 and were going to go to Chicago. But instead; we called Kyle and went to Valparaiso U.  (mind you i didn't know Nick or Kyle before this day). The ride there was smooth, i like riding in the benz. I like it a lot. We met up w/ kyle at like 9:30, we toured the campus for a long time, till after midnight for sure, and then we did some driving, because we still had some of that diesel in the tank that we wanted to get rid of. We learned all about round-a-bouts. That was fun. Then... Kyle stalled it. And that's where things started getting effed up. We ran out of gas. And killed the battery trying to start it anyway. (or something along those lines is what we thought) So we spent a long time making trips to gas stations, paying too much for gas cans, getting diesel, filling it up, waiting, thinking, getting progressively more frustrated, then we went to walmart and got something to try and fix the sparks that were coming from the starter (which we had finally noticed). We waited for liquid tape goo to dry, and they fell asleep, it was at least 2 by now. Then we tried to start it again, failed, and decided to sleep in the car. Well. Eric decided to sleep in the car, i stayed so he didn't do anything stupid, like punch a fence, or get a concussion or anything (from hitting his head on the trunk earlier). Soooo. at like 4 i tried sleeping. It didn't go so well. and then it was freezing. And then at like 9 am we went to the gas station for coffee and a pee. Then we called a tow guy, who tried to jump us, which didn't work. And instead towed us to Tom's Valpo Auto Repair. They said they'd "assess" it. We went to a park. Then to Wendy's. I let him read things I had written in the notebook i got at WalMart. I worked on being a playwright. I called Elizabeth. Then i had a mini-mental breakdown / panic attack. That was fun. Then i decided that no food and no sleep was a combination for a panic attack; so i made Eric walk w/ me to the grocery store and get food. I got an apple, power bar, peanut M&Ms, and gum. We went back to the park. Which was fun. He read. Then we went to autozone which was BORING. and i sat outside for awhile and some douche yelled "unattractive" out his car window which didn't help my mood or anything. Kyle showed back up from his classes, we went to Tom's and we got the car. Then we got gas and drove home. And I realized that whatever will be will be, and right now, US won't be. And that's fine. If it's meant to happen, it will, in time. Best shower of my life. I'm glad i got a notebook and started writing. I'm glad. annnd tired. silly adventures. i could do without 'em for a little while. i'm reinstituting healthy choices(ish). because i want to be healthy. and... i want what i want. and for right now; that's ok. :)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I am so happy right now. It's wonderful.   i'm glad spring is here. and i'm glad that i know that i am who i want to be; and it's all based on the decisions that i make. my life IS a choose your own adventure novel. AND can i just note that it is fucking gorgeous out again today. I LOVE the weather. happy times. XxEDITxX anxious. just a teensy bit. mostly REALLY fucking excited. BECAUSE: i was sitting here, and there was this  gorgeous picture. And i was like a) shoulders are sexy. and b) i want hair like hers. So i called linds and asked her if she'd cut my bangs when we got back from break, and then i was thinking about it, and i need to dye my hair b/c this red is fading out into the pink that's underneath and it's kind of bizarre and i'm getting roots really bad. and i was like... hmmm... dark dark brown. and i texted a bunch of people and asked their opinions and most of them are like yeah! and ashley is like "so... natural?" and i was like... OH MY GOD i'm ready to go back to my natural color, or at least something really close. That's like... a HUGE thing for me b/c of the last year. I've dyed my hair ten times since June. I've tried on different personalities and different hair colors like crazy. And now... i'm going to dye it close to my natural color and let it grow out. Because... i'm ready to be me. and that's whoever i chose to be. eeek.

Monday, March 16, 2009

woodchip. woodchips. i love my life. i love 70 degree days and painting murals in garages and playing in sand boxes with larvae. i love the children naked and running around and screaming when i come home. i love eating nothing but a bowl of cocoa puffs since 9 last night. i love making him smile, making him laugh. i love sunshine on my face during long drives through the suburbs and city. i love hollywood undead. i love stars. i love when he suggests that i re-write my autobiography from jr. year. i love my life. :)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

	these are things i need to remember

i need a detox. that's what happened. my life got toxic. i was toxic. and i need a detox. and spring break with the kids is just that. from inferior_c0mplex's xanga site:: [...] for awhile, i wanted to be heartless. to quit caring. but my heart is my heart and it goes where i go and it feels what i feel and it's been there from the beginning and i'm not going to let it go anywhere because it is mine and it is all i have left and i want it there and i need it intact and i still want to share it because it has a lot of love to give and i want it to be able to give it and not rot away like everyone else's has because my heart does not deserve that because it didn't do any of this to me. it's held on, so why should i squash it? [...] My mom said this won't be the last time. Maybe the first, but not the last. And she told me I'm strong and that I'll grow and she's excited to meet the woman I become. And that made me happy. I'm ready to meet that woman too. I'm ready to grow her, and I'm ready to make her succeed. I'm ready to watch her triumphs and her failures and stick with her the entire way. Because that woman is me y'know, and I need to love her and take care of her. Because nobody else will. I'm all I've got. So why should I sit and think about trying to take me away from myself? That's no good. I need me. The few friends I have need me. And by god, I won't let anything happen to me. Yes! I'm ready too. I'm becoming the woman I am. and I may not be her all the way yet. and God knows that who i was two years ago wouldn't be her either. And why stop growing? Does a tree stop it's growing once it blooms? No. It thrives and blooms again EVERY year. There's a cycle to it. Everyone always says that you never stop learning; why did I for some reason think that I could? Because I need something to hold on to. Something to grasp and keep me centered and whole. And that is ROOTS. ahhhh. My niece is awake at 1am chattering away in the kids' room. She is perfect. my roots are my constant. my past. where i've been and where i come from and the things i've seen and the stories i've told and the life i've lived. My life is constant. It's always changing and i never know what will happen ten minutes from now; but i know what has happened. and not that i need to cling to the past in anyway. its about holding on to it to know it, and also letting the new growth develop in me. This is one of the best thought revelations i've had in a while. I'm going to go to bed. And dream of the woman I'm becoming because of the choices i've made and the life i live. And think about who I maybe want that woman to be someday. But... right now: i am who i am. That is a constant. Whether I am always aware of it or not. Love. p.s. i quit facebook too (kind of) because it got lame; so expect a lot more social - like - blogging status from me. also b/c it's spring break and i'm better at blogging when i have the time. p.p.s i'm writing an airport play. I think it's really going to be something.

Friday, March 13, 2009 my bloggin has become very lame. ever since the sickness.... hardly any pictures, stupid mindless chatter, and i've barely been commenting at all. gah. i don't know how / when i'm getting picked up from the train tomorrow. AT all. that's no good. i have a lot to do before then. and over spring break in general. my life makes very little sense. i don't recognize it. and i want to figure shit out but i can't. to-do list: *clean (my room, the living room) *pack (laptop, school work, some clothes, all in orange suitcase and 1 purse) *train 8:20 *get a ride from train to my brother's apartment somehow... =/ *write christ fems paper *write christ fems journal *comp sci paper *comp sci mid term project *ATH read plays (fuckkk) *playwriting - airport play? i am grumpy. my roomate says it's ridiculously hot in here; grrrr Elizabeth was here like all evening and she was just hanging out with lindsay and i was too tired to make an effort... but i would have really liked it if she had, knowing that i had an existential crisis last night, made an effort to make me feel better. she wasn't even cuddly when we were watching that movie together. i am grumpy and tired and probably making something out of nothing; but i bet she has a crush on lindsay. just saying. i think i need to go to bed. I hate how i feel right now.

divdiv

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