rachel's ruminations

the next five years

2012-01-26T09:31:00.001-06:00

I am officially done with my college education. I am done earning credits, achieving grades, and ultimately attaining my degree. My life, up until now, has essentially been mapped out for me. Pre determined by the educational system that I have spent three quarters of this life participating in. Now I am considered an adult. A young one, and so I am one that still has room to make mistakes. I have to decide where my life is going. But even that sentence screams out at me, because ultimately I know that my decisions make very little difference. Whatever will be, will be. And so it goes. No matter what decisions I make, my life will unravel the way in which it’s supposed to. This is something that I put a lot of faith into, and though I have ideas and theories about what I’m doing, I also know that those have very little bearing on the reality of my situation. None the less, at this juncture of my life, this wavering ground between college and adulthood, I should take stock of what is important to me, what the world means, and where I see my life going from here. I should also try and figure out how I’m going to get where I want to be.

There are some things that I’ve known for a long time and are only just now becoming more apparent to me. Namely that I don’t particularly want to work in commercial theatre. There isn’t anything wrong with commercial theatre, per se. I still think that it is a better way to spend your evening being entertained than by sitting in front of a television or computer immersed in advertisements. I personally though can’t do it. I might, at some point, because let’s face it, I’m an artist and I need to eat and if I can get a decent paying job, who am I to say no? But I know that I want to work in theatre that matters. I want to tell stories that aren’t being told. I want to do theatre related to activism. I want to give voice to the voiceless. Don’t confuse this. I don’t want to speak on behalf of them. I want to give their own voices room to speak. I want to participate in theatre that evokes change. Theatre that gives face to the oppressed. I want to do things like On The Edge of the Knife, and The Vagina Monologues, and the Peace Project. These projects that I have been involved in that have been some of the most meaningful and amazing experiences of my life. I want more of that. I want to participate in / create theatre that causes catharsis in the audience. I want to bring people through emotional changes. I want to enlighten them. I want to help people understand the universe and their place in it. Let’s face it, I want to understand the universe and my place in it. I want to live and breathe activist theatre. I want to change lives with theatre. I want to raise awareness for causes of great importance to me.

I minored in Women’s Studies. This is probably the most liberal major / minor that my conservative Christian college offers. My education in Women’s Studies has taught me to participate in the world in a different way. It has taught me to think critically about the media that I consume, the things that people say, and the world in which I live. I have learned to acknowledge my privilege, and not apologize for it.

I have learned to value narratives. That is an important part of theatre. The part of telling stories. In women’s studies we learn the immense power of personal narrative. It’s the reason why the Vagina Monologues are so successful and powerful and moving. Telling our stories, giving voice to our own personal experience is an empowering and beautiful thing. Sharing stories is immensely important in building connections between people, and also in giving voice to the voiceless. I hope to promote personal narrative through my theatre work. I hope to put to stage the stories of my fellow humans. I want to tell stories that may not seem significant. I want to interview people and write scenes and monologues based on their stories and put them on a stage for an audience. I want to discover something about how we all function as part of a community by interacting with that community and dissecting it. I want to splay everything onstage for all to see. I do not want to do this in a voyeuristic or exploitive way. I certainly don’t want to capitalize on the stories of others. I simply want to make people aware of the story of the other. I want to bring people together through theatre.

I want to work with children. I want to spend time with children and write their stories too. I want to put their lives on the stage. Children are magic and innocence. Their imaginations run wild and they are not limited by our grown up ideas and knowledge of the world. Instead they are limitless in potential and knowledge that we have forgotten. I want to experience more of that. I want to get kids interested in writing and theatre. I want to teach them what I know about the power of sharing stories. Children are amazing vessels who can make magic out of the energy we put in them, so I want to put as much energy as I can into them. That, and I happen to be four years old at heart, so it helps to hang out with people my own age.

I want to travel. I would love to do a tour or a traveling show, even a circus perhaps. I would be thrilled to do that as part of my early career, now when I’m in my 20s and have no major commitments or ties to places. I want to see the world because I want as many stories as I can possibly gather to write about later. I want to meet people. I want to interact with others and learn. This is part of why New York has been so good for me. I have been able to on a daily basis interact with new people and have new conversations and learn new things about new lives. I have been able to do character studies on such a diverse range of people. I have observed the way people dress and what that says about them. Despite my lack of ambition to ever be a costume designer, I have done hours of research just by perceiving people’s dress on the street. The way that people present themselves to the world, and what that says about who they are. I make these judgments constantly walking through the city. I get to imagine stories and lives for these people and I want to talk to more of them and learn what the real stories are. I want to travel around the ~~country~~ world and meet people. Learn their stories. Write about them.

I want to spend time with my family. Despite all of these grand ideas of what I want to do with my life in the near future, I also want to spend as much time with my parents as I can in the next two years. Both my parents suffer from chronic illness and their quality of life has greatly diminished in the last two years, as well as their life expectancy. So, though I want to travel a lot and spend time getting to know people, I also want to spend time with the people who instilled all of these values in me and cherish them while I can. This is important. This runs in conflict to my other plans / desires for my life in the next five years. This is something that I have to figure out. Especially as my parents aren’t even in the same part of the country, (Dad in Illinois and Mom in California).

I want to learn more about directing and have more directing experience. I have absolutely adored the experiences directing that I was able to have throughout college, including to observe a professional director in the rehearsal process here in New York. I seem to have a knack for directing and it is something that I am very interested in pursuing. I have considered graduate school to pursue directing, but I feel as though experience will benefit me more than schooling would at this point. I’m not sure if this is the right philosophy to have, but graduate studies cost a lot of money and I already have student loans. I would like to gain more opportunities to observe directors directing. I would like to gain experience as an assistant director. I would like to make it a goal to read more books about directing. I would like to work on small directing projects and to gain more and more experience that way. I want to talk to directors and find out how they got to where they are now. I will pursue this by contacting Azar who is a friend of Val, Steph, and Kristi at the New Group and who is actively working as a director in Chicago. I had the chance to meet her randomly after a show, and we exchanged numbers. Hopefully I can make a more solid connection with her in Chicago when I am there. I want to meet more directors. I want to learn about different styles of directing.

I want to direct. I want to spend time with family. I want to travel. I want to work with children. I want to value narratives. I want to do activist theatre. I want to accomplish all of these things in the next five years (or so). I want to be able to read this, my last paper of my college career, one that is decidedly not academic in nature, and say “Hey! I did that! And that! And that!” I want to be able to look back on this time as being the cusp of something more exciting than moving home and never coming back to New York. I want to succeed, thrive, and grow. Not just in theatre, but as a person.

a fantastically unproductive weekend indeed.

2009-12-06T20:47:00.000-06:00

These pictures are random but I like them.

last night was the most fun i've had in an extremely long time. ending up in a basement at 6am with some old Knickerbocker's was probably one of the best things ever.

I have six drawings due tomorrow at 2:30. None of them are done. Tonight is going to be fun for sure. I'm looking forward to it.

I want to create some amazing drawings to turn in that have creative direction and fantasticness.

I just remembered why I blog on xanga where it's private.

Winter storm in our 7-day-forecast! Oh my! Schools might close, not ours. Never ours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<3

are we living in a Brave New World?

2009-12-02T21:23:00.000-06:00

You have to have read Brave New World for this to make sense...
if you haven't... you should. but you should also google it right now so you can know what i'm talking about.
I saw this picture just now. Click it. Read it.

It's so true, isn't it? We have been lulled into a culture of over information, mass media, and complacency. We are drugged into being ok. I mean think about this: how many people do you know who are currently taking prescription meds? You take those because they say you need them right? How many of those people are taking anti-depressants or mood stabilizers or something else that resembles the drugs in Brave New World? Soma, wasn't it?

It's bizarre how willing we all are to just accept things from other people's perspectives and to never really question it, and to never realize that by burdening us with over information and by perpetuating this culture they are essentially lulling us into complacency.

How 'bout them apples?

remember when i used to blog?

2009-12-02T16:17:00.000-06:00

I do. And it was good for me. and theurapuetic and whatnot. and i felt good about writing and had important and insightful and meaningful things to say about me and about the world i live in. I had things to share with you. I had things that were just so important to share with the whole entire world that i felt as though i'd burst into a bagillion pieces from keeping it all in anymore. And that was just the things I needed to share becuase they were so insightful. I had things to share about who I was and what that meant and how I felt. But those things don't come to me anymore. Instead of sitting and writting fun things about the world and insightful things I sit on my couch and play video games.

I am looking to be inspired again.

Desires.

2009-07-29T00:54:00.001-05:00

I desire so many things, even now, after way too much stumbling than can be healthy ((stumbling as in the firefox add on, not literally tripping over my feet)), I want so desperately to be a blogger who has something important to say.
I want to jump on board this blog train and be a popular blogger. This however will never happen, and so I will settle for contentedly jotting down the occasional random entry or two...

Creative Advertising.

2009-06-24T13:33:00.001-05:00

I think I might want to go into advertising, but only if I can come up with stuff like this everyday.
((some of them might not make sense if you don't follow the link and read what they're about, but i didn't feel like cluttering this with a ton of explanation if you didn't really care))

http://www.theadmad.com/page/6/

http://www.theadmad.com/page/5/

http://www.theadmad.com/page/2/

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http://www.theadmad.com/page/1

Peace Love and Happiness,
Rachel Gabrielle

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another big(ish) update of sorts pt 1 of 2

2009-03-30T17:52:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

life.

today has been a day of ridiculous seeming ups and downs. and it's only early afternoon!

last night i was ~~drunk~~ for sure.
i stayed out until 2:30, up until 3:30, and then couldn't sleep for all the coughing I was doing.
I did roll my ass out of bed for my 8:30 class; in which my professor GRACIOUSLY gave me an extension on our midterm project (so i can turn it in AFTER spring break!).
Came home. Napped for an hour... or two. Thus sleeping through my 11 o'clock class. FUCK. But:: before falling asleep I was positively giddy. I was outrageously happy. I'm finally starting to feel better, I might not fail comp sci. I had a great time last night. I love my sisters and friends. Spring break will be relaxing and fun (though I have a lot of work to do during it).
Then--- i had to go do fittings for the cabaret project. Gag. I am positively sick of this project. It's a ridiculous venture. I don't know why I agreed to do this before knowing what I was getting myself into. I am not a designer (not yet anyway) and have no idea what I'm doing. This is not going in my portfolio. BUT this is like the ONE downside / project i have to do right now that i'm unhappy about, and it'll be over next-next friday AT WHICH POINT::
I will be having a fucking fantastic belated birthday bash with the sorority // other people i invite. EXCITED.

so overall life = good. and I need to make a fatty to-do list that needs to get done.
Oh... and i kind of still have a 5 page paper due for Christian Fems that was due... oh... i don't know a week and a half ago. Whoops. Oh, and our journals are supposed to be due tomorrow.
I think I might skip; catch up over break, and turn everything in when we get back. we'll see how i feel tomorrow.

i have a problem with skipping classes these days. it's just SO easy to think... well, we're not doing anything TOO important today...
let's work on that for the future.

xxEDITxx

i got a maximum of 62% on my comp sci midterm that i didn't know we had but walked in to take today. maximum. i left 19 points out of 50 blank b/c i had no fucking clue b/c i've been sick for 2 weeks and haven't been there.
fuck. my. life.

i almost had a freak out moment right before work today. like.... my life is in this weird place right now. not neccessarily spiraling downward like i thought it was before, but more like a spinning top that is perpetually falling over. It spins for awhile and it's crazy and i'm either too distracted by being like "look! it's spinning! how cool!" and starring at the pretty colors or i'm not paying attention, and then it falls. and tumbles. and then i'm here. a spinning top left unattended. like a dejected dradle.

my room mate just proudly proclaimed "it's snowing more!" with her cheerful excited self. I want to punch her in the face.

~~~~~~OH MY OH MY GOD~~~~~~EDIT~~~~~~FOR THE LAST TIME AT 5:20AM~~~~~~
I don't know how i'm functioning currently.
except that::
a) i don't know anything
and b) and now i'm crazy.
but i might've been crazy before. i don't know. i'm just.... i don't know ANYthing.

when my mom was 20 she was PREGGERS with my brother.
I used to joke about how I would be 20 and not preggers, and that I accomplished something more than her because of it. but i wasn't 20 yet. Now i am. And i'm not preggers. and i've never had sex. and no one has 'swept me off my feet' like my dad did my mom. But i'm in college. failing comp sci, but in college. (so was she before she left to be a mom; in college that is) but not in a sorority. staying out until 4:30am. failing comp sci, being ridiculous. and she says i'm brilliant sometimes. and i wonder, am i the best of her and the worst of him? I don't have his temper that's for sure. but... i mean... i just DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING. and no one does. and no one can tell me what to do and what's right, and i'm indecisive as fuck and i just can't make any more decisions and life is happening and i'm not deciding; other people are and no one is; and it keeps fucking happening and that is the epitomy of not having control.

What the fuck am i doing? I don't know who or what is right anymore. I don't know ANYTHING at all. I'm clueless.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

you can breathe. you can breathe now.

My tear soaked bandana hangs around my neck as I tentatively knock on a locked bathroom door. I ask her to let me in and as I enter and see her coat hanging half off her body and her sleeve pulled up, I don't automatically think what I should be able to guess, but don't find out until later. I hold her heaving body as she leans her forehead against the door. She gasps for air between angry sobs and her lips contort into a shape only recognizable as distress and agony. I hold her and rub her back. "It's okay to be angry" I say, but there just aren't words for this kind of moment. I stare at a single freckle on her right shoulder, study the way her soft brown hair falls across. I am amazed by her beauty even in a crisis-like moment as this. I look so closely at her tan and pink skin I can see god's plan etched into it. The lines faint and shallow, each blemish and freckle a part of the workings. I'll wonder later if the wounds she's inflicted on her body will turn to scars and become part of this diagram of the plan I see on her body. I know that they will be a part of the plan, even if they're not documented the same way as everything else.

Pledge ends tonight. i'm a teensy bit nervous for 'hell night'.
but... i know it won't last more than four hours...
I'm stoked.
I'm in a sorority. That's a funny sentence. But I kind of like it :)

i'm in a much better disposition then I was a week ago. MUCH better.
and that's goooood. I was worried about myself for a teensy bit.
My hair isn't pink anymore. Those roots were a bitch to maintain / not get frustrated with not maintaining.

this cough is also a bitch. I hate it.
i couldn't fall asleep until after 5:30 this morning b/c i was coughing so much. mother fucker.

i enjoy Jack's Mannequin. My friend gave me a bunch of music yesterday, and this is some of it, and I like it.
I also enjoy Dan Craig; he's folk-like and i like it.

<3

Thursday, February 26, 2009

=/

my mom is 'concerned about the decidedly downward turn' of my fb status messages since i went on medications.
yeah... well... it's a shitty week.
i don't want to explain it all to you.

i don't want to be jealous of one of my best friends.
i don't want me to be an issue anymore.

when did this happen????

when did i become this... fucked up version of myself.?
when did i turn into someone who can't function?

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

i smell like cigarettes...

i want to rest.
to sleep.
to not feel this way anymore.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

i thought that i was through this.
i thought that i was done with this stupid depression thing.
i took the lexapro and felt better and was supposed to keep feeling better.
it's not like i stopped taking it or anything.
fuck.

i feel lost.
i am swimming through deep dark murky waters and i don't understand.

i am too jealous to be best friends with her.

i am jealous and bitter and angsty and angry and don't give a fuck about anything.

my comp sci professor is worried about my mental health.
like i want to talk to my computer science professor about what's going on with me right now.
he is willing to give me an extension on our project if i have my counsellor email him.

when did i become someone who needs her counsellor to email a professor?
i don't even know how to begin writing such an email to rick.

wtf

i want sleep.
lots and lots of sleep.
i want to not have any responsibilities of any sort.
i want to not be sick.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

	1/2 hour to decide. what i want to do tonight. what i want to do forever. whether i really do want to join a stupid sorority or not. the thing is... like... AGRGH. everyone who's not in it says don't, and everyone who is in it says do. and... i can't make a fucking decision for myself. fuck. i just want to sit. and cry. and cry. and cry. and cry.
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Monday, February 23, 2009

calling to make a counselling centre appointment is hard.
i don't know why... but there's something about saying those words "can I make an appointment" that clench up in my throat every time, that make my toes dance and wiggle with nervous energy and stress.
maybe i'm worried that they'll say no, that I can't make an appointment and i can't get help.
that i don't deserve it b/c i'm far less fucked up then some other people.

i am sick of everything.
i don't give a fuck any more.
i want to check in to some clean white mental hospital where i can live in routine and solitude.
where nothing but my own thoughts can be dealt with.
where i can rest and relax and not have to go through all the motions of all this shit that i'm having to do each day.

i want to quit everything that isn't creative expression.

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wishes

i wish that they weren't having the painful conversation that they're having right now in the next room.
i wish that no one had to get hurt in the ways that they do.
in the ways that i've been.
i wish our hearts didn't have to handle so much.
i wish that our scars didn't have to teach us; that we could learn from bruises.
i wish that i didn't hurt.
i wish that i took the time out of the day for myself so that i didn't have weekends like this.
i wish that there was enough time in the day to do that.
i wish that i still knew my reasons for doing this.
i wish there was a way to figure everything out that takes less time.

the snowflakes look like glitter falling as they reflect the light that shines and touch the hard snow covered ground.

i hope i never hurt someone like i've seen others do.
i think that if someone loved me then i'd love them back and try hard not to hurt them.
but the thing is no one ever fucking does.
and i'm saddened by that; because i've reached a point in my life where i think someone should have by now.
i just... i'm so sure that i'm not one of those girls who will never be loved. i'm so sure that i'm more than that.
and yet... when i evaluate the situation... i am.
FUCK MY DEPRESSION.
fuck it for being stealthy under the stress of the first week of pledge, and for laying beneath the surface that whole time, and for me being too distracted to realize it was there, waiting for it's prey to acknowledge it's existence again.

fast and strong
the tiger growls and waits
hiding in the deep green brush
breath in sync with it's prey
hiding out
while the prey dashes through
running from one tree to the next
searching for clues
memorizing the tree bark patterns
listening to monkeys screech from treetops
the tiger waits
waits until the moment of pause
the prey stops running
in it's brief stillness
the tiger leaps
seeming to come out of nowhere
and the prey can't believe
that it forgot to keep looking for the tiger
hiding in the deep green brush
fast and strong

they are having a big relationship talk;
and i am writing STUPID metaphorical poetry about tigers.

i just purged myself of facebook. i don't want it any more. We'll see. I figure; if you want to be my friend you can contact me in a real way. Like... by telephone at least. Even emails are better than facebook.

I want someone to read my stupid tiger poem.
I want to understand why this happened.
Was it the pause? Or was it him?
I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I GOT TOO DISTRACTED TO KEEP ME IN CHECK.
fuck.
I don't know if I want to do this whole thing any more. I'm sick of people being mean to me. I'm sick of crying. of seeing people I love cry. Of not knowing what's going on inside my head.
I'm sick of needing to go back. I'm sick of not knowing what causes THIS.
I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Sick of it.

I want Claire to come out of that room right now.
I want to hold her; because I know she'll be needing some holding right about now.

[i am reading Claire's blog now, i enjoy getting to know her some through this]

they're coming out of that room. and there was definitely some crying; lindsay is blowing her nose.
i hope that they're both all right. =/

XXeditXX
claire enjoys getting to know me; and i appreciate that. she says everytime she hangs out with me she likes being with me more.

i was just reading a poem about my house when i was a kid... and it's fucking amazing the blinders we have. the way we see things exactly how we want to. they way that poem makes my house sound... as if it's recalled with fond memories, which of course it is. because you don't realize what the fuck is really going on b/c of the lens you look through everything with.

i hate the feeling of tears behind my eyes.

i hate the look of sadness on her face.

i hate that no one loves me. i hate that that's a problem for me.

i hate that he walks into my living room and i realize that nothing has changed.

that i went to the crest of some hill, and looked out over and felt so sure, and then all of a sudden i was in a valley again, and it wasn't quite the same valley but i had no idea how i got there. no idea.

why am i filled with so much hate?
WHY HAVE I STILL NOT MADE PROGRESS, have i only distracted myself for some amount of time?
Remember a few weeks ago when I was happy?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

my brain is swimming in thoughts.
i feel as though i am floating in the middle of a vast ocean and i can't even tell which way i should be trying to go towards home.
i am lost amid all these thoughts and emotions that i haven't had the time to process.
i have in the last week completely neglected my friends, my writing, and myself. I haven't had the time to shower, none-the-less take an all consuming, thought numbing, body piercing hot, therapeutic shower. I haven't had the time to write in my blog but once in the last week, and not in my real journal at all.

I am drowning as I try to gasp for air after coming up for breath after holding myself underwater for so long.

I thought I would cry tonight, I just didn't realize what exactly it would be that would make me break down. The briefest mention of California. A letter from my room-mate; another person who I have neglected in the past week.

And all of these emotions coming to surface when i barely have the room to breath because he is here. And he is hurt by her. and i am hurt by him, but not nearly as deep a wound.

and all i need to do is to write. to get it all out. and i can't. because even now i think that it would likely be much better for me to sleep. but tomorrow there is STILL too much to do.
I DON'T WANT

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Another BIG update...

2009-03-21T01:49:00.001-05:00

Friday, March 20, 2009

my gawd i'm so happy.

All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you

Because you're beautiful
You're so frickin' beautiful
You took all my memories

And all I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you

Don't tell me you love me
If you don't really love me
Because you can still kiss me
I need you to kiss me

Because you're beautiful
You're so frickin' beautiful
You took all my memories

And all I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you
All I want is you

I love you in the daytime
I love you in the night time too
I love you in the moonlight
I love you in the sunshine too

Because there is life in this love
and love in this life
There is life in this love
and love in this life

And all I want is you

michael franti is so fucking amazing.
i'm road tripping to cali this summer.
and going to a bitchin' music fest and seeing michael franti perform and camping.
fuck fucking yes.
<3

seriously... if i get to go to harmony festival i'm pretty sure i'll cream myself. i'd be soo excited.

californai dreamz

also:: i can't believe it's friday; i'm having my oh shit this break is going to end and i haven't gotten anything done.

i love listening to kate nash a lot.

i want to steal my niece and take her back to school with me. like for realsies. i don't even care about the responsibility, i just want her cute face in my life ALL the time.
((hint: i'm not ready for kids b/c i don't care about the responsibility, this is ok, i shouldn't be ready yet))

dancin' at discos, eating cheese on toast, yeah you make me merry, make me very very merry, but you obviously didn't want to stick around.

hahaha
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You’re a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it’s likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You’ve had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there’ll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you’re especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who’ll love you back with equal fire, and someone you’ve grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you’re drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

a looong 24 hours or so...

this is a long story that you don't neccesarily have to read:: (but might be interesting)
eric picked me up at around 3 to go and do a bar-b-que at his house for the GORGEOUS weather for St. Patty's day.
That was smooth and normal. Eric's mom is super sweet and I love her. His brothers are precious. The bbq boca burgers were great. Then we dropped nick off at like 7:30 and were going to go to Chicago. But instead; we called Kyle and went to Valparaiso U.
(mind you i didn't know Nick or Kyle before this day).
The ride there was smooth, i like riding in the benz. I like it a lot.
We met up w/ kyle at like 9:30, we toured the campus for a long time, till after midnight for sure, and then we did some driving, because we still had some of that diesel in the tank that we wanted to get rid of. We learned all about round-a-bouts. That was fun.
Then... Kyle stalled it. And that's where things started getting effed up.
We ran out of gas.
And killed the battery trying to start it anyway. (or something along those lines is what we thought)
So we spent a long time making trips to gas stations, paying too much for gas cans, getting diesel, filling it up, waiting, thinking, getting progressively more frustrated, then we went to walmart and got something to try and fix the sparks that were coming from the starter (which we had finally noticed). We waited for liquid tape goo to dry, and they fell asleep, it was at least 2 by now. Then we tried to start it again, failed, and decided to sleep in the car. Well. Eric decided to sleep in the car, i stayed so he didn't do anything stupid, like punch a fence, or get a concussion or anything (from hitting his head on the trunk earlier). Soooo. at like 4 i tried sleeping. It didn't go so well. and then it was freezing. And then at like 9 am we went to the gas station for coffee and a pee. Then we called a tow guy, who tried to jump us, which didn't work. And instead towed us to Tom's Valpo Auto Repair. They said they'd "assess" it.
We went to a park. Then to Wendy's. I let him read things I had written in the notebook i got at WalMart. I worked on being a playwright. I called Elizabeth. Then i had a mini-mental breakdown / panic attack. That was fun. Then i decided that no food and no sleep was a combination for a panic attack; so i made Eric walk w/ me to the grocery store and get food. I got an apple, power bar, peanut M&Ms, and gum. We went back to the park. Which was fun. He read. Then we went to autozone which was BORING. and i sat outside for awhile and some douche yelled "unattractive" out his car window which didn't help my mood or anything. Kyle showed back up from his classes, we went to Tom's and we got the car. Then we got gas and drove home. And I realized that whatever will be will be, and right now, US won't be. And that's fine. If it's meant to happen, it will, in time.
Best shower of my life.

I'm glad i got a notebook and started writing.
I'm glad.

annnd tired.

silly adventures.
i could do without 'em for a little while.

i'm reinstituting healthy choices(ish). because i want to be healthy.
and... i want what i want. and for right now; that's ok.

:)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I am so happy right now.

It's wonderful.

i'm glad spring is here.

and i'm glad that i know that i am who i want to be; and it's all based on the decisions that i make.

my life IS a choose your own adventure novel.

AND can i just note that it is fucking gorgeous out again today. I LOVE the weather.
happy times.

XxEDITxX
anxious. just a teensy bit. mostly REALLY fucking excited. BECAUSE:
i was sitting here, and there was this gorgeous picture. And i was like a) shoulders are sexy. and b) i want hair like hers. So i called linds and asked her if she'd cut my bangs when we got back from break, and then i was thinking about it, and i need to dye my hair b/c this red is fading out into the pink that's underneath and it's kind of bizarre and i'm getting roots really bad. and i was like... hmmm... dark dark brown. and i texted a bunch of people and asked their opinions and most of them are like yeah! and ashley is like "so... natural?" and i was like... OH MY GOD i'm ready to go back to my natural color, or at least something really close.
That's like... a HUGE thing for me b/c of the last year. I've dyed my hair ten times since June. I've tried on different personalities and different hair colors like crazy. And now... i'm going to dye it close to my natural color and let it grow out. Because... i'm ready to be me. and that's whoever i chose to be.
eeek.

Monday, March 16, 2009

woodchip. woodchips.

i love my life.
i love 70 degree days and painting murals in garages and playing in sand boxes with larvae.
i love the children naked and running around and screaming when i come home.
i love eating nothing but a bowl of cocoa puffs since 9 last night.
i love making him smile, making him laugh.
i love sunshine on my face during long drives through the suburbs and city.
i love hollywood undead.
i love stars.
i love when he suggests that i re-write my autobiography from jr. year.
i love my life.

:)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

	these are things i need to remember

i need a detox.

that's what happened. my life got toxic. i was toxic. and i need a detox. and spring break with the kids is just that.

from inferior_c0mplex's xanga site::
[...]
for awhile, i wanted to be heartless. to quit caring. but my heart is my heart and it goes where i go and it feels what i feel and it's been there from the beginning and i'm not going to let it go anywhere because it is mine and it is all i have left and i want it there and i need it intact and i still want to share it because it has a lot of love to give and i want it to be able to give it and not rot away like everyone else's has because my heart does not deserve that because it didn't do any of this to me. it's held on, so why should i squash it?
[...]
My mom said this won't be the last time. Maybe the first, but not the last. And she told me I'm strong and that I'll grow and she's excited to meet the woman I become. And that made me happy.
I'm ready to meet that woman too. I'm ready to grow her, and I'm ready to make her succeed. I'm ready to watch her triumphs and her failures and stick with her the entire way. Because that woman is me y'know, and I need to love her and take care of her. Because nobody else will. I'm all I've got. So why should I sit and think about trying to take me away from myself? That's no good. I need me. The few friends I have need me. And by god, I won't let anything happen to me.

Yes! I'm ready too. I'm becoming the woman I am. and I may not be her all the way yet. and God knows that who i was two years ago wouldn't be her either. And why stop growing? Does a tree stop it's growing once it blooms? No. It thrives and blooms again EVERY year. There's a cycle to it. Everyone always says that you never stop learning; why did I for some reason think that I could?

Because I need something to hold on to. Something to grasp and keep me centered and whole. And that is ROOTS. ahhhh.
My niece is awake at 1am chattering away in the kids' room. She is perfect.
my roots are my constant. my past. where i've been and where i come from and the things i've seen and the stories i've told and the life i've lived. My life is constant. It's always changing and i never know what will happen ten minutes from now; but i know what has happened. and not that i need to cling to the past in anyway. its about holding on to it to know it, and also letting the new growth develop in me.
This is one of the best thought revelations i've had in a while.

I'm going to go to bed. And dream of the woman I'm becoming because of the choices i've made and the life i live. And think about who I maybe want that woman to be someday. But... right now: i am who i am. That is a constant. Whether I am always aware of it or not.

Love.

p.s.
i quit facebook too (kind of) because it got lame; so expect a lot more social - like - blogging status from me. also b/c it's spring break and i'm better at blogging when i have the time.

p.p.s
i'm writing an airport play. I think it's really going to be something.

Friday, March 13, 2009

my bloggin has become very lame.

ever since the sickness.... hardly any pictures, stupid mindless chatter, and i've barely been commenting at all.

gah.
i don't know how / when i'm getting picked up from the train tomorrow. AT all. that's no good.

i have a lot to do before then. and over spring break in general.
my life makes very little sense.
i don't recognize it.
and i want to figure shit out but i can't.

to-do list:
*clean (my room, the living room)
*pack (laptop, school work, some clothes, all in orange suitcase and 1 purse)
*train 8:20
*get a ride from train to my brother's apartment somehow... =/
*write christ fems paper
*write christ fems journal
*comp sci paper
*comp sci mid term project
*ATH read plays (fuckkk)
*playwriting - airport play?

i am grumpy. my roomate says it's ridiculously hot in here;
grrrr Elizabeth was here like all evening and she was just hanging out with lindsay and i was too tired to make an effort... but i would have really liked it if she had, knowing that i had an existential crisis last night, made an effort to make me feel better. she wasn't even cuddly when we were watching that movie together.
i am grumpy and tired and probably making something out of nothing; but i bet she has a crush on lindsay. just saying.

i think i need to go to bed. I hate how i feel right now.

divdiv

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An uber update...

2009-02-02T00:27:00.001-06:00

I quite literally haven't posted to ANY of these sites in... oh a month or so. I've been busy, and journalling in real life, and posting on my secret blog. intrigued? don't bother, i'm copying everything to here...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

they sit

across the room from me, her legs draped over his, her foot occasionally bouncing. His arm behind her, ever so gently touching her lower back where the red tank top has ridden up to expose her skin, a common occurence of her shirts. They communicate not so much with words but by staring into each other's eyes. Expressing and exposing the truth that lies between them in an honest moment. She wipes away the tear that escapes from her eye. There is a long moment of stillness. And she touches the side of his face with the back of her hand. The tension rises between them to an intensity so strong that it can not be handled any more. He pushes her legs off of his, and they rearrange themselves in a minute. The now sit facing each other. Both with their legs curled up onto the couch, hers folded neatly beneath her, her arms crossed across her stomach. He with his arms pulling his legs up to his chest. They are defensive, holding in and together what they don't want to expose between them. But now the unexposed can be expressed, they talk in muted whispers that my music drowns out, which I am glad for. It is not my place. Not as friend, not as another presence in the living room, and not as someone who so desperately wants to fulfil that role in one of their lives.

This is happening right now. For the record.

Monday, January 26, 2009

we live in a beautiful world.

I am trying to accept all things that are

i stumbled across a blog, and she was writing about the beauty of the world, and cold play's Don't Panic was playing. "we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do, we live in a beautiful world"
and the last line of her blog was "i am trying to accept all things that are.

i feel inspired. I feel the need / desire / intense urge to accept all things that are. I am. and I accept that. I accept that I am depressed. that I am me. that i look what what i do. I am accepting things that are.
i'm sick of wasting time waiting around for me to get better. i am. i am better. i am depressed. i am what i am. and i accept that. because the world is beautiful. and i am beautiful. and there is so much beauty in everything around me. i am trying to accept all things that are.

i am trying to accept all things that are.
i am trying to accept all things that are.

thank you random blogger.

<3

Friday, January 23, 2009

2 by 2

two hours of sleep
two cups of coffee
and a little bit crazy = this. me.

i stayed up until 6am, writing program code for my comp sci class and writing for me. I keep saying that I'll turn one of those nights into a play. Maybe I actually will. Maybe.
There is so much that i'm learning and uncovering and expanding my mind with and revelations and epiphanies and everything; and yet, i'm getting no where fast. I'm running on a hamster wheel at full speed. I'm on this wheel and I know that all around me there is something better, that there is a cage, but beyond that cage there is a room, and a house, and a block, and a neighborhood, and a city, and a state, and a country, and a continent, and a world, and a planet, and a solar system, and a universe. and yet i'm here. stuck in this hamster wheel running as fast as I can in circles.
WHY AREN'T I GETTING ANYWHERE!?!? I can't stand not having solutions anymore, i can't stand this endless cycle of thoughts that gets me nowhere, that solves nothing. There are many thoughts that I have that are repetative and redundant. SO MUCH REDUNDANCY. SO MUCH. and yet... for some reason it all must be told. No matter how much you replicate there's something original, every single moment is original.
There is this human condition, called life, there is life going on all around me. There is living.
There is trouble, and problems, and love, and LIFE in this place. This world is living, breathing. People DO make awkward hand gestures to hide something they were going to do. They DO lean against railings with their back arched and their foot up while their hands rest on the top of the handle of the tool they're using. These moments, these glimpses into life are precious and real and wonderful. Real life happens everyday. And it's SO varied. The words I write are REAL words, i thought of them. I'm transcribing my thoughts to you, not pretending to be another character or anything, just thoughts and words. (are powerful). And my brand of punctuation isn't going to make sense to anyone else out there. And i don't put quotes in quotes, and you keep citing things and i wonder; how much does it matter where it all leads to?
Am i doomed to be genius-like and this crazy all the time.
I wonder.
It's nap time.
Goodnight.
I love.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

From my Christian Feminisms journal writting tonight...

we have to write in a journal for Christian Fems, responding to the readings etc, mine led me to an epiphany tonight, and I am here sharing it.
The part of the readings for today from Feminism & Christianity struck me especially. I have struggled with the idea of literal interpretation of the Bible vs. chucking the whole thing out the window for a long time. There are so many things that people quote directly and condemn different actions, or lifestyles, or people groups, or anything really. Given the amount of text in the bible, I'm pretty sure that you could take it and pick and choose things to support ANY position on an issue. Before I had read the chapter in Feminism & Christianity, as I was reading the passages about treatment of women, my mind was already being critical of how to interpret the text. Paul basically says at one point "God didn't actually tell me this, but he made me wise, and my wisdom has brought me to the conclusion that…" I wondered what to think of that, Paul himself saying, "Well, this isn't really God's word, but I bet he'd agree with me!" just seems ridiculous to me.
The simple way to put this is that I agree almost entirely with the chapter in Feminism & Christianity. I found myself highlighting like crazy throughout the chapter and thinking, "This is a great, concise way to state how I really feel about it!". I was excited, especially in a climate like Hope's where the Bible is typically taken almost at face value, to hear from someone else that it gets affected SO much by the cultural climate and the nature of creating a canon. We learned last semester in Western World Lit about the canon of western literature and how it evolved and formed, what the process is of literature getting reproduced and saved for generations. Part of that dealt with biblical texts, especially the Gnostic gospels. Those present quite a problem with the validity of the biblical canon. What about these gospels that were made around the same time, perhaps even closer to Jesus' lifetime? Someone, a roman government official, has decided that they aren't an accurate representation and so one person decides to throw out part of what would be considered God's word. Those decisions hardly seem fair or accurate to me.
As a relatively liberal person and yet a believer in God, though not necessarily of—
I was writing that, but I had a religious epiphany mid-sentence, so I'm going to change lanes, kind of. This comes from several places and experiences from an extended time frame and so it might take some explaining, and if you want to skip ahead and get to the point, I really wouldn't blame you. I stopped classifying / defining myself as a Christian last April when I realized that I didn't believe in the exclusivity of Christ. I believe that there are many other ways to reach God and they are just as right and valid as my way of reaching God through Christ had been. But then I kind of hit this spiritual dry spell because in accepting all other forms of reaching God I had rejected the way I knew how to get there. I didn't like that being saved by Jesus was the only way, and so I pushed it away. I thought that my way was right and logical and so I left it at that, and was content with the replacement of true spiritual fulfillment with logic and acceptance. At times I felt the presence of God strongly in my life, and at other times I felt like I had, by broadening my view of God put it in such a huge idea that it was no longer attainable. In a way, I thought that because I was aware of the vastness of God and man's attempt to understand God by compartmentalizing Divinity into religions, I was beyond that need to compartmentalize, and my knowledge of this vast God was enough. It wasn't. I needed something close, something intimate. I no longer had a relationship with my all-religion-encompassing-God. Sometimes this bothered me more than others. Two conversations with friends, and now my newly realized understanding of the bible have come to culminate in a new understanding of what Jesus means to me.
Last fall I had a minor faith crisis in which I doubted my broad acceptance view point. What if I was wrong? I thought. What if I do need Jesus, and my lack of commitment to him is causing this discontented spirituality? I began talking to my friend Matt, who is by all accounts the most biblically devoted person I know. He is also very intelligent, and deliberate about his choice of words, which makes conversations with him frustrating sometimes. After a very long conversation (they always are), Matt and I settled on the fact that even if Jesus isn't necessarily the only way to God, his stories and parables are still very valuable lessons to live by. His example, and in my opinion, purpose in the stories, is to provide an example of how to be one with God, of how to live your life in harmony with God. I accepted this. But it still didn't make me a Christian. I still didn't believe that Jesus' death and resurrection saved me from all of my sins and that was my ticket to heaven.
Just a few days ago I had a conversation with one of my housemates who has struggled with Christianity and biblical interpretations as well, especially being a gay Christian. She had decided that because she grew up in the context of Christianity it was perfectly reasonable for her to, while still accepting the validity of other religions, experience God through the constructs of Christianity. She had reconciled the exclusivity of Christ and the broader spectrum of her convictions. I hadn't reconciled it, because it still seemed as though to follow Christ I had to believe that he died for my sins and to save me, and that meant that only he had, and that I had to in some way reject other religions validity. It didn't add up in my head, it couldn't be reconciled, and I was jealous of my friend for her ability to figure it out and accept Christianity as her way of reaching God.
After reading more about the literal interpretation of the bible, and the way that so many factors must be taken into consideration when interpreting the text, it has finally been reconciled in my mind. I had already accepted that some parts of the bible were open to interpretation and had to be considered in a cultural context, but the fundamental Christian belief that Jesus died as our savior seemed too direct to be up for interpretation, and for most Christians it is. I however, think that just like the story of Jesus' death may be considered as a myth or a general representation of what happened, rather than a literal record of the events. Part of my conversation with Matt resulted in the idea that we are all Jesus. That in living like him we become like him, and that in the terminology of the bible we, like Christ, are all children of God. The parallels made sense, and I now think that Jesus was sent or was part of this intricate plan because he is the shining example of what we are to be like. Or at least for some of us he is. Others think that Mohommad figured it out, or that they can learn from the example of other animals, or that they can be one with God by experiencing nature. I can be one with God by living like the Jesus that the bible represents, Jesus was an important part of the plan because of the way he affected so many people. The Jews still believe that their example is coming, and there probably will be another example. God gives us many chances and different ways to interact with him. If I can do that by following the example of Jesus from the bible then that's how I will. Because of the interpretation and complexity of the bible I can't possibly expect the account of Jesus being the way to God to be 100% factual, correct, or perfect. I can choose to reinterpret that aspect of the bible for myself and not necessarily come to the conclusion that Jesus is the only way, but rather that love is (which is what I am likely to conclude).
The point is: I can call myself a Christian, because I can be a follower of Christ without negating the validity of other religions. The story of Jesus isn't 100% factual or represented wholly by the bible, and I recognize that.

Thanks for bearing with all that, and thank for playing an important part in this new discovery. At some point I will probably rewrite this is a way that makes more sense / explains more fully.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

hmm.

when you google search images of depression it's mostly pictures of people sitting with their knees pulled up to their faces, and their head in their hands and they're all kind of the same. I wonder if that's the universal body language for 'depressed'. And if it is, have I been doing it a lot more recently? I feel like the head in hands thing might be true; or at least scrunching up my hair on either side of my head in frustration. I've been doing that.

it's a process. it takes time. put your feelings on a shelf sometimes when you have to get things done.
it takes too long. i can't ignore them when i need to; and i can't figure them out when i do have time.
this is hard. this takes effort.

it's funny how frequently he uses the same phrases that have some sort of significance in my life; like ruminate and spiral. I explained dots and lines to him. He asked me when i came up with it; whether it was a single moment or a culmination of things, I couldn't remember. I don't remember where it came from.

I slept from 6pm to 12am tonight. And now I'm up... and not sleeping. And that's not any good at all I think. Because I have classes and things to do tomorrow.

To do list:
{ } read christian fem stuff
{ } deposit money in the bank
{ } sleep
{ } get laundry done (because then i'll at least look cute tomorrow)
{ } read

i bet ten bucks i don't do my reading for Christian fem, i mean... i should really. but a) the prof won't be there tomorrow, and b) we're spending an hour watching the video of the play that i wrote / directed / was in. Sooo. I think i'll have plenty to discuss.

I have playwriting tomorrow which I'm excited about. I <3 playwriting.

Friday, January 09, 2009

straight boys where you at? i'm a boyfriend kleptomaniac.

.not really.

my friend Amanda spent the night wednesday night and she is amazing. She's a first year costume design grad student at U of I and it's sad that we didn't go to my college for long together; because we would totally be best friends. As would my friend Elizabeth. But alas, we are friends now from far away, and I get to see her when she is in town because LUCKILY her home isn't too far from here.

i <3 jeffree star. amanda introduced him to me and i think he's wonderful.
i also love this new genre that is now on my computer (amanda is my ultimate source for music btw) that is indietronica. like... 3OH!3 's punkb*tch. good music.

in other news: it's super snowy and wonderful here. The roads are bad; i'd hate to be driving, but the ground is all covered in white. The jeep just plowed the sidewalk. The UPS truck drove by. The street is covered in snow and I enjoy the snow that clings to the pine trees and the not pine trees outside. It makes everything so pretty. It's a blanket that covers all the flaws of the world. I love it.

I've been feeling super cute lately. I've seriously gotten innumberable compliments on my hair since being back; it's not even that spectacular but everyone is in love with it. The color and the cut and the curl. Because I'm good at C-hair. Also i've been wearing lots of dangly like earings and those are good. and my nails are bright yellow and having the right color nails honestly makes my whole week. I sound super girly girl right now; but that's ok. sometimes i am.

i've got an appointment with Rick (counselor man) next wednesday. I'm looking forward to it as of now. Things are good; i'm horribly optimistic these days. Yesterday I was with four friends, three of them were incredibly bitter about boys and i wasn't being bitter at all, and I seriously felt like the world has been turned up side down or something. I'm in a good place with... almost everything. I'm eating healthier (although the last few days have been rocky [i made these delicious cream cheese burrito things] and my roomie has some delic chocolate).

i read that instead of sleeping last night.
the ones about fathers dying made me want to cry. but i didn't.
i asked my friend; why is something that's so essentially part of life so hard? It doesn't add up.
But... i don't want an answer. It's not supposed to make sense. And maybe it never will.

things make sense currently. that's what i strive for. things making sense; that's when i'm content; when things add up. when life is ok. things make sense when i'm optimistic. when i'm able to tell everyone who asks that i'm fantastic and not be lying. i'm excited that it's true right now.

i had a coffee date with my mum this morning. that was nice.
i also slept a lot. and drew and wrote a thing. i'll probably post it when my notebook isn't all the way upstairs. other then that... i'm sad that it's about to be the weekend and thus everyone will seem to disappear while there aren't classes and it's too cold to go out and do things randomly. everything is precise when it's this cold. no one goes anywhere unplanned. it's too cold for that.
i wish it wasn't. i could use some spontaneity.

i want socialization; yet i'm making decisions that avoid it. i'm incongruent.

That pretty much explains January. <3

Peace Love and Happiness,
Rachel Gabrielle

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if i were more hXc i'd get a tattoo like this::

2008-12-29T13:02:00.001-06:00

Peace Love and Happiness,
Rachel Gabrielle

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Ben Affleck's Film about the DRC

2008-12-28T20:56:00.001-06:00

If you know me at all; then you know that this is something very heart wrenching and important to me.

YAY Ben Affleck for supporting UNHRC in their struggle to provide homes and hope for women and other survivors of this conflict. =D

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If that video doesn't work click http://www.youtube.com/v/4GYjZszsCDQ&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" valhttp://www.youtube.com/v/4GYjZszsCDQ&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl">here . Love you!

Peace Love and Happiness,
Rachel Gabrielle

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i've learned that calling my mom at 6:30am is the best way to get her to say yes to things. when she hasn't had coffee and makes crucial errors in the argument.

2008-12-27T10:47:00.001-06:00

me: thoughts on dying my hair pink? mom: what? me: any thoughts on dying my hair pink? mom: you're in michigan; not berkeley me: exactly. if i were in berekeley it'd be like 'oh hey another girl with pink hair' but in michigan it's like "HEY!! THAT GIRL HAS PINK HAIR!" mom: well there are plenty of other things you could do for attention me: yes. there are PLENTY of far less safe ways for me to seek attention. ftw mom: [quickly] ok dye your hair then. Ahahaha. and now i have permission to dye my hair.

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from a friend a while ago...

2008-12-26T19:56:00.001-06:00

she said: this is worth reading slowly; it made her cry.

I say this is worth rereading a million times; until the words become engrained in your memory and imprinted in the way you live and think.

"When all the words have been written and all the phrases have been spoken, the great mystery of life will still remain. We may map the terrains of our lives, measure the farthest reaches of the universe, but no amount of searching will ever reveal for certain whether we are all children of chance or part of a great design.

And who among us would have it otherwise? Who would wish to take the mystery out of the experience of looking into a newborn infant's eyes? Who would not feel in violation of something great if we had knowledge of what has departed when we stare into the face of one who has died? These are the events that make us human, that define the distance between us and the stars.
Still, this life is not easy. Much of its mystery is darkness. Tragedies occur; sufferings are visited upon the innocent. To live we must take the lives of other species; to survive we must leave some of our brothers and sisters by the side of the road. We are prisoners of time, victims of biology, hostages of our own capacity to dream.
At times it all seems too much, impossible to accept.
We must stand against this. The world is a great and mysterious place, and it contains within it all the possibilities our hearts can conceive. If we incline our hearts toward the darkness, we will see darkness. If we incline them toward the light, we will see the light.
Life is but a dream we renew each day. It is up to us to infuse this dream with light, and to cultivate, as best we are able, the ways and habits of love.
Those of great heart have always known this. They have understood that, as honorable as it is to see wrong and try to correct it, a life well lived must somehow celebrate the promise that life provides. The darkness at the limits of our knowledge- the darkness that sometimes seems to surround us - is merely a way to make us reach beyond certainty, to make our lives a witness to hope, a testimony to possibility, an urge toward the best and the most honorable impulses that our hearts can conceive.
It is not hard. There is in each of us, no matter how humble, a capacity for love. Even if our lives had not taken the course we had envisioned, even if we are less than the shape of our dreams, we are part of the human family. Somewhere, in the insequential corners of our lives, is the opportunity for love.
If I am blind, I can run my hand across the back of a shell and celebrate beauty, if I have no legs, I can sit in quiet wonder before the relentless murmurs of the sea. If I am wounded in spirit, I can reach out my hand to those who are hurting. If I am lonely, I can go among those who are desperate for love. There is no tragedy or injustice so great, no life so small and inconsequential, that we cannot bear witness to the light in the quiet acts and hidden moments of our days.
And who can say which of these acts and moments will make a difference? The universe is a vast and magical membrane of meaning stretching across time and space, and it is not given to us to know her secret and her ways. Perhaps we were placed here to meet the challenge of a single moment; perhaps the touch we make will cause the touch that changed the world.
When we come to the end of our journey, and the issues that so concerned us recede from us like the day before the coming night, it will be these small touches - the child we have helped, the garden we have planted, the meal we have prepared when we were too weary to do so - that will become our legacy to the universe.
If we have played our part well, offering love where it was needed, strength and caring where it was lacking; if we have tended the earth and its creatures with a sense of humble stewardship, we will have done enough. We may pass quietly, and rest gently in the knowledge that we have left the world a little warmer, a little kinder, a little richer in love. Though our moment was brief and our part small, somewhere, in the fullness of time, our acts will bear fruit, and the earth will raise up a bit of goodness in our memory.
It is a small legacy, perhaps, but a legacy nonetheless. Somewhere, between a baby's cry and the distant brightness of a star, the mystery was alive for a moment. It was our privilege to feel its presence, and to have the chance to pass it on."
-Kent Nerburn (from Simple Truths)

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Trip to el Dentista

2008-12-18T13:32:00.001-06:00

I went to the dentist today to have my cavity that's in the front of my teeth fixed. I was super nervous if you didn't know that already.

I was being a big baby. And getting all worked up over nothing.

It went well. He was super fast, did a good job, and it only hurt a little.

The dental hygienist was really nice. I liked her.

And he even fixed my other tooth that had spots on it, he drilled them away, which was nice of him since he didn't charge.

So... if you're ever in the rockford area, I know a great dentist.

Oh, and my mouth being numb for an hour afterwards was just annoying, but that went away now.

In other news, a to-do list::

wrap presents.

take stuff to the attic

work out

read

watch Dexter

sleeeeep

Peace Love and Happiness,
Rachel Gabrielle

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By a friend of mine

2008-12-17T02:12:00.001-06:00

http://pics.livejournal.com/thespianoge/pic/0008g9yk http://pics.livejournal.com/thespianoge/pic/0008g9yk http://pics.livejournal.com/thespianoge/pic/0008g9yk

Peace Love and Happiness,

Rachel Gabrielle

Posted via email from rachelgabrielle's posterous

sunshine.

2008-12-15T12:30:00.001-06:00

there's so much more sunshine here than in Holland. It's nice. Becuase even though its effing freezing out, it's sunny.

I watched five episodes of Dexter yesterday. Annnd I'll probably watch a whole bunch more today. I wish I had more productive things to do. // i should help my dad and Jan get the living room in order, but that's apparently not happening. I'm a lazy bum. eww.

I got the CUTEST coat to match the boots my dad had gotten me.

Annnd... i don't really have much to say... Updating just b/c I felt it was neccessary. Really, i'm going to go away now and... either watch Dexter, or Gilmore Girls.

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a-f-r-i-c-a

2008-12-11T23:25:00.001-06:00

i'm going to do the Post Conflict Transformation semester in Uganda / Rwanda in Spring of 2010. Then, I'm going to attend SIT (which is the company / program that I'm planning on studying abroad through) Graduate School and attain a MA in Art and Theatre for Social Change. Yes. That's what I want in my life.

I'm excited about his plan. It's a good plan. A very very good plan. =D

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kate nash inspired

2008-12-11T19:51:00.001-06:00

my hair smells familiar,

after dye conditioner.

i wish i was british,

so i could recite this poem,

and it would sound like it does in my head,

like Kate Nash Pistachio Nut.

I want to ride the wave of your inhalent,

like Imogen says.

I'm pretty sure she's also british.

i want to live in london and have an accent.

and come back to the states

where everyone will remark on my perfect diction.

i want to drink egg nog until i get sick,

spin on the merry go round with you.

have toes in socks that don't get cold,

and boots that never slip.

i want my internet to load faster,

and my pscyh final to be over.

my mouth tastes like dairy

and i don't like cow juice.

shoulders need rubbing

and i need cuddles, kisses, hugs, dreams, and goodbyes

my moods aren't predictable anymore,

they swing like a child on a playground,

flying up high and kicking,

bending at the knees and pushing up

to reach that very last bit at the top.

scared of that point where the chains go slack,

that moment where all control is lost,

where your bum jumps up off the seat,

and you free fall back down

but just barely.

my moods are like that.

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two down, one to go

2008-12-11T03:57:00.001-06:00

finals are almost over. And now that it's after wednesday tons of people are leaving to go home. It's going to be a quiet and desolate place around here pretty soon.

today i was kind of grumpy; but i think that mostly has to do with the fact that i had such a great day yesterday and that I didn't take a shower. gross i know. but it really just didn't seem worth it when i got up late to go to starbucks with the girls / got back to study / after stage management / at any other point during the day. i did wash my hair though; when dying it. it's auburn brown now; which is an awfully fancy way to say dark reddish brown. it froze on my walk home.

kelly made me the most beautiful necklace for christmas; it's a bunch of multi colored and differently shaped beads in a rainbow pattern with a brass dove that hangs from it.

i just went upstairs to yell at my housemates who were making a ruckus, completely faking being bitchy at them, and they were sharing a corona and hanging out, so I talked for a minute, and now Sara is on her phone interview with london! I enjoy that we refer to it as calling london, interviewing with london, etc instead of whatever the theatre co. in London's name is. I hope she does well.

i got hannah montana socks at meijer today. annd cute earings. and eyeliner. it's been a good girly day.

annnd i'm going to go look up things about study abroad now, b/c it's five am and I don't feel like sleeping yet.

Posted via web from rachelgabrielle's posterous

I wonder where they take all that snow that's in the back of that truck...

2008-12-09T12:04:00.000-06:00

things i like about winter:

doing well on finals
glittens. cute ones.
snowmen; snowballs; throwing snow
icicles
silence
white innocence
boots!
sticky snow sticking to barren tree branches
using the phrase 'barren tree branches' or just 'barren branches' - it has all the perfect alliteration i could ever want
spending time inside with hot cocoa; reading, or just being under my covers. my comforter is so comforting.

There are probably more things; but i'll save them for a day when i'm not liking winter so well. I have the insatiable urge to blog well. To write things that are meaningful and insightful and witty and clever and worth reading at all.

I also just adjusted everything so that now all I do is post blogs to posterous and they end up every where else; but if I need to keep something secret it can go on just xanga still. And if i want to post just photos from somewhere random then it can just end up on tumblr. I think it's a decent plan. And as much as i love vi.sualize.us i'm going to not do that one anymore. Hopefully this is a good blogging plan. Have I ever mentioned that while I love organizing things on the computer / online, i often forget what my organizing system was, and thus fuck it all up.

I love listening to Kate Nash. Her British accent makes me smile. I feel the urge to type grammatically correct and apply the knowledge that I have from so long of English training to capitalizing the first person I and using my words effectively. It's my new goal for blogging / typing on the computer in general. I don't think that I'm going to get over my inappropriate use of semi-colons for a while though.

That truck full of snow drove by again. I'm really wondering where they take it... maybe somewhere down by the football field?

I'm not sure why I got up from here in the first place; but I was gone for about half an hour now. I wrapped presents! I love christmas time. So much. I love giving presents, and everyone being full of Christmas Spirits. Yay! (Yes I am just this corny and sickening most of the time.)

Also-- I had a cup of coffee with my final at 9am. And now, at almost 12, I'm so caffienated it's obscene. I'm disappointed that the spellchecker doesn't work when typing a posterous blog, becuase that will not contribute to the appearance of good grammer on my blog. Oh well. I think I'm going to head to lunch pretty soon here. We'll see.

Thanks for reading. Love you!

rachel's ruminations

the next five years

a fantastically unproductive weekend indeed.

are we living in a Brave New World?

remember when i used to blog?

Desires.

Creative Advertising.

another big(ish) update of sorts pt 1 of 2

life.

you can breathe. you can breathe now.

=/

1/2 hour to decide.

wishes

Another BIG update...

my gawd i'm so happy.

californai dreamz

a looong 24 hours or so...

I am so happy right now.

woodchip. woodchips.

i need a detox.

Friday, March 13, 2009

my bloggin has become very lame.

An uber update...

they sit

we live in a beautiful world.

2 by 2

From my Christian Feminisms journal writting tonight...

hmm.

straight boys where you at? i'm a boyfriend kleptomaniac.

if i were more hXc i'd get a tattoo like this::

Ben Affleck's Film about the DRC

i've learned that calling my mom at 6:30am is the best way to get her to say yes to things. when she hasn't had coffee and makes crucial errors in the argument.

from a friend a while ago...

Trip to el Dentista

By a friend of mine

sunshine.

a-f-r-i-c-a

kate nash inspired

two down, one to go

I wonder where they take all that snow that's in the back of that truck...